Lifehouse in: Director’s Cut

Executive: Right this way, Miss.

Writer: Thank you.

The writer walked down the hall inside a huge board room where two men in pin-striped business suits stood up to welcome her.

Writer: Good morning, gentlemen.

Director: Hello there, miss…?

Writer: You can just refer to me as Miss Writer.

Director: *confused* Alright, then.  Let me introduce the Designer, and I believe you already know the Executive.

Writer: Nice to meet you.

Designer: Good morning.

Writer: OK, enough chit-chat, let’s begin.  You called me in here for a reason, I presume.

Director: Yes. We have heard about your many stories involving,*looks at paper* the band Lifehouse.

Writer: Yes…

Director: Well we would like to pitch to you, if you don’t mind, an idea.

Writer: *worried* An idea for what?

Director: Well, Lifehouse the Movie of course.

Writer: *Blink* You have got to be joking.

Executive: Oh no. We here in the movie business do not have a sense of humor we are aware of.

Writer: Well, I’m not sure if the guys would want to do something like this…

Designer: *interrupting* Oh don’t be silly. They’ll love it. Just sit back, relax and let us pitch some of our million dollar ideas to you.

Writer: Well…I guess I could hear you out…but I can’t speak on behalf of Lifehouse…

Director: Of course not. Now here’s our first idea.

The lights are dim. We come upon a dark alley.  A woman is walking down the narrow pathway when all of a sudden a man rips her purse from her and runs away.

Woman:*overly dramatic*Oh help me!  Someone stop that man!

Suddenly, the crook stops dead in his tracks. Up above him a flash of lightning pushes him against a brick building.

Crook: Arghhh….what the…?

The outlines of four men stand before him.  They are LIFEFORCE 4!!!!

Writer: *Blink* Lifeforce 4…

Director: Pretty catchy, right.

Writer: *Blink*

Jason, Rick, Bryce, and Ben covered in spandex, ready to fight crime wherever it may be.

Jason, martial arts expert.

Jason: Hi-yah! *does matrix choreography*

Rick, shape-changer.

Rick:*turns into a chicken* I’m a crime-fighting chicken! *shoots eggs at bad guys* Would you like your eggs scrabbled or sunny-side up?

Bryce, explosives expert.

Bryce: Now which wire do I cut again?

Ben, invisible man.

Ben: HAHA! You can’t see me! You can’t see me!

They are Lifeforce 4, rock band by day, superheroes by night!

Director: So what do you think?

Writer: *takes sip of water* Well…that is quite an image.

Executive: So you like it?

Writer: I didn’t say that.

Designer: So you hate it?

Writer: I have to admit, it gave me a chuckle…I just don’t think the guys would go for it.

Men: Ohhh…

Director: That’s perfectly alright, cause we’ve got plenty more where that came from.

Writer: Oh…great...

They thought the ship was safe, but they built it all wrong. A night of waves tossing and turning their boat to pieces, now the men of Lifehouse are stranded on deserted island. How long will they last?  What does Mother Nature have in store for them?  Only time will tell.

Bryce: *yelling up at the sky* Is anybody out there?!  Can anyone hear me?!  Could someone drop us down a couple cases of beer?!

Jason: I’ll start a fire. Rick, maybe you and Ben should go look for some berries or something else to eat.

Rick: You mean you want me to go into the scary trees over there and find some fruit that could be poisonous, and fight off some ferocious animals that could eat me in one gulp?!

Jason: If you wouldn’t mind.

Rick: I’m all for it!!! Come on Ben!

As Rick and Ben try to find food they are taken hostage by tiny natives.

Ben: Ummm…we come in peace.

Native: Boom shacka lacka lacka!

Rick: Well boom shataci mushrooms to you too.

Native: Grrrrrr!

Rick: Oh boy….

Night falls and with no sign of Ben or Rick, Jason and Bryce go off to search for them.

Jason: It’s so dark. I can’t see anything in front of me.

Bryce: Yeah, me either.  What is that that I keep touching?

Jason: That would be my butt…

Bryce: Woah! Sorry dude.

Jason: Shhhh! I hear something.

Bryce:*whispering* Me too. It sounds like music.

Both men follow the sounds of chants and drums to a big bon fire in the center of the beach.  Tiny men are dancing around the fire, and Ben and Rick are in cages suspended above the flames.

Natives:*singing and dancing around the fire* Boom shaka laka laka boom shaka laka laka boom…

Rick: *sings along in cage* Boom shaka laka laka boom…

Ben: Rick, shut up.

Rick: What? It’s catchy.

Jason:*from the trees* We have to get them out of there.

Bryce: How?

Native: Huh?  Boom boom shak!

Jason: That can’t be good.

The tiny natives seize Jason and Bryce from the nearby trees and take them near the fire.

Rick: Hey guys! You found us!

Bryce: Oh yeah, we found you all right…

The boys are presented to the Chief native.

Chief Native: What purpose here?

Bryce: Umm…well, you see our boat…

Chief Native: SILENCE!

Bryce: Ok.

Chief Native: You, along with friends will be sacrificed to our god, BOOM SHAKALLICA!

Jason: Wait, please you can’t! I have a wife and dogs…and…

Chief Native: Wait! Are you Jason Wade?

Jason: Umm…that depends…

Chief Native: You sing song ‘Hanging by Moment?’

Jason: Yes...

Chief Native: Oh wow! I huge fan of yours.

Jason: Gee…thanks…

Rick: *whispering to Ben* Man, that song really did get played everywhere.

The natives release Rick and Ben from the cages and invite the men to sing for them.

Jason:*sings* I’m hanging by a moment…

Natives:*sings* Here with you!

Jason: Hanging by a moment…

Natives: Here with you…

Jason: I’m hanging by a moment here with you!

The party continues as the natives put war paint on the guys and they dance around the fire underneath the glistening stars.

Writer: *Blink*

Director: I think it’s gonna sweep the nation and be a really big hit in Europe!

Writer: Tell me you have something else…please.

Executive: Oh boy, do we ever!

Writer: Oh…God…

Director: The guys are right in the middle of a concert when all of sudden terrorists start randomly shooting at them. The guys in slow motion leap from the stage and tuck and roll all the way to the street. Conveniently, their bus door is wide open.  The guys dive in only to discover their bus driver and crew have been killed.

Jason: Aw man not again!

Rick: Don’t worry, I can drive this baby!

Director: And with that, Rick hits the gas and the boys of Lifehouse are cruising down the streets of some state that we haven’t thought of yet. But just behind them are the terrorists shooting live chickens out of cannons!

Executive: Oh my God!

Director: Oh my God is right!

Writer: This is insane.

Designer: Yeah! Don’t you love it!

Director: So where were we…oh yes! Chickens are being shot at the guys from all different directions!

Writers: What’s with the chickens?

Director: It’s a proven fact that audiences like chickens in movies.

Rick: Woah, man I can’t see anything with all these chicken and egg guts on my windshield.

Director: Then all of a sudden a mini van with 4 Jewish rabbis pulls up in front of them.

Rabbi: Holy Torah!

Director: Rick hits the brakes, sending the other three head first into a wall.

Jason/Bryce/Ben: OW!!!!! Rick!!!

Rick: Sorry, guys!

Director: And just when you think their safe, they discover the bomb.

Writer: What bomb?

Jason:*sees bomb* AHHHH!!!

Director: That bomb.

Bryce/Ben: AHHHHH!!!

Writer:*strangling the director* Are you crazy?! Do you want to kill them?! They’ve been through enough!

Director: Alright! Alright! They find their way back to the venue where swat teams have taken the entire group terrorist hostage and they are able to finish up their set.

Writer:*silence* That is the worst ending I’ve ever heard.

Executive: Hey, we’re doing our best! You think you’re so good you try it!

Writer: I could do it in my sleep! But I don’t have to prove anything to you!*walks to the door* If anyone is going to dress them up in spandex, leave them on a deserted island, or chased by terrorists…it’s going to be me. *walks out*

Silence in the room.

Director: So I think the guys will really go for it.

Copyright by Maureen