Room Of Plastic Flowers

Lifehouse was dead tired. All those shows, all those fans, all that beer…it was wearing them out. I mean, come on, wouldn’t you be sick to death of interviews with slutty women feeding you cotton candy? So would I. The Lifehouse Tour Bus drove carefully down the slick highway as the snow fell from above. Bryce was blowing hot air on the window and playing tick-tack-toe with himself. Jason was in the back of the bus with Rick watching some random Christmas movie and eating fresh popcorn.

Rick: Man, I love “A Charlie Brown Christmas!” There’s nothing that gets me in the Christmas spirit more than this.

Jason: Ditto.

The two were watching the screen with a childish twinkle in their eyes when all of a sudden they were interrupted with one of those annoying special news report thingies.

Reporter: We interrupt your program for a special news report thingy.

Rick: Oh man! It was just getting to the good part! It was so suspenseful!

Jason: *stares silently at Rick*

Reporter: We have just gotten word that a man dressed up as Santa Claus has been terrorizing the state of Michigan.

Jason: Um…what state are we in now?

Rick: Michigan.

Jason: Greaaattt.

Reporter: This man is claiming to be the real Santa and is carrying a loaded automatic weapon. He is in a red suit, white beard, and has a short sidekick dress up like an elf.

He has been getting across the state using the major highways that I’m sure a certain tour bus is on.

Jason/Rick: *look at each other and then back at the screen*

Reporter: We are asking those of you on the road to not stop for ANYONE…especially a man in a red suit.

The bus suddenly slows down and pulls off to the side.

Jason: Um…why are we stopping?

Suddenly, and amazingly on cue, the voice of the bus driver comes over the PA.

Bus driver: I just want to let you guys know that I saw a poor guy on the side of the road in a Santa suit that I’m going to offer a ride to. That’s all.

Jason/Rick: *look at each other again* AHHHHHHHH!!!!! *running to the front of the bus* Wait! Stop! Don’t!

But it was too late, for when they reach the front there stood the Santa and his elf with loaded weapons in the faces of Ben, Bryce, and the bus driver.

Santa: So good of you boys to join us. Get over here and sit down, join in on the festivities.

Jason and Rick slowly walked over to wear Bryce and Ben were and sat down. A few minutes had gone by and now the guys were elbow to elbow as the elf finished tying Bryce’s hands behind his back. The Santa reclined back on the couch with one hand behind his head and the other holding an ice cold beer.

Santa: *takes a sip and sighs* Ahhh…this is heavenly.

Bryce: *to himself; glaring at Santa* That’s my beer.

Santa: So, boys…have we been good this year?

Rick: Well I don’t think I’ve lived up to my potential…

Ben: Rick, shut it.

Santa: Uh oh…somebody’s cranky.

Jason: What do you want from us?

Santa: Are you kidding? You’re Santa’s favorite band!

Rick: Man, we get all the loonies…

Elf: *in a tiny squeaky voice* Hey, you should be more respectful of Santa!

Bryce: …Not when “Santa’s” got a loaded gun in our faces!

Santa: Now everyone calm down. We’re here to have a wonderful time with one another.

Guys: *blank stares*

Bus driver: Excuse me. Where exactly do you want me to go?

Santa: To the nearest gas station, if you would be so kind. I need to pick up a few things for the reindeer.

Rick: You mean you actually think you’re the real Santa?!

Santa: Of course I’m the real Santa.

Ben: Uh…I don’t know how people view Santa in this country, but in Australia we don’t in-vision Santa as a man will an automatic weapon taking out gas stations and walking around with a small hairy elf.

Santa: Oh…ho ho…I’m not always like this. I realized that this year will be my 2, 378, 399,234 anniversary of doing this. I looked back at my life and thought, ‘Have I even done anything? Taken a chance?’ So I decided I needed to take a few more risks this year…shake things up a bit, if you will.

Guys: *stare; mouths partially opened; crickets chirping*

The bus suddenly pulls off the highway and immediately into the first gas station the bus drivers spots.

Bus driver: Ok, we’re here.

Santa: Great! Ok boys, stand up.

Jason: For what?

Santa: Well I can’t possibly carry all the stuff I need by myself. Billy, would you help the boys off the bus, please.

Elf: Sure thing, Mr. Claus. *walks up to the guys and starts poking them with a stick* Alright, you heard the man. Get up.

The guys stumble out of the bus and walk up to the gas station doors with Santa. Santa walks in first with his weapon pointed at the clerk.

Santa: Ok, sir, I believe you were on my naughty list this year. So pack the cash in the bag if you don’t want some “coal.”

Man: *scared* Take anything you want!

Santa: Ok boys, start grabbing things off the shelves.

Jason: I can’t believe this is happening.

Bryce: I know.

Rick: I call the liquor aisle!

The guys continue to pack bags full of things. They are almost done when they hear sirens outside and the flashing of blue and red lights.

Police: Ok, everybody down and drop your weapon.

Bryce: Oh shit!

The guys fall on the ground and Santa drops his weapon in surprise. Meanwhile Rick comes out with his hands full of cases of liquor.

Jason: Rick! Get down!

Rick: *dropping the liquor and raising his arm up* I didn’t do it!

The police gather up the guys and pack them in the back of a police car.

Police: Hey, aren’t you guys from the band, Lifehouse?

Rick: Oh yah! That’s…

Jason: *covering Rick’s mouth* Oh, we get that all the time. *shoves Rick into the car*

Rick: Hey!

The guys are driven down to the police station where they are photograph, printed, and humiliated. Jason, Ben, Bryce, Santa, and the elf are all sitting in a cell with big burly guys on the other end cracking their knuckles. The jail cell opens and the guard pushes Rick inside. Rick looks distraught and is holding his finger, which is black from the ink, in his other hand.

Ben: Oh, Rick…are you ok?

Rick: I don’t want to talk about it…*he goes and sits in the corner*

Bryce: I hope you’re happy! Look at what you’ve done to Rick!

Rick: *whimpers*

Jason: Yeah, you had to be Mr. Rambo-Santa.

Santa: Don’t worry boys, my elves we’ll be here soon to get us out.

Bryce: Oh, right, his “elves” are going to get us out. I don’t believe this. You know, it’s Christmas. Couldn’t we have a nice peaceful day?

Writer: *to herself* Um…no.

Big Burly Guy: Hey, are picking on Santa?

He moves closer to the guys and they begin to all shrink together in the corner of the cell.

Rick: Maybe we can talk this over.

Bryce: Please don’t hurt us!

The big scary guy is inches away from their faces and the guys eyes a tightly closed shut when all of a sudden bells and chimes can be heard coming down the hall. Tiny voices are singing Christmas carols and sprinkling sparkly dust everywhere.

Santa: See, I told you my elves would take care of it.

Guys/big scary guy: *mouths wide open*

The elves sprinkled the dust on the police, and their frowns are instantly turned to smiles.

Police: I feel happy!

He goes over and unlocks the doors. All the guys rejoice in their freedom.

Bryce: I…I can’t believe it…You’re Santa!

Santa: It’s ok, Bryce. Here have some eggnog.

Bryce: Don’t mind if I do!

So the men of Lifehouse enjoyed Christmas in a police station with a crazy Santa, his many adoring elves, and big scary biker dudes. Now if that doesn’t say Christmas, I don’t know what does.