Room Of Plastic Flowers

The guys had been out celebrating all through the night. It was Bryce’s 26^TH birthday and he planned to party like it was 1999...even though it was 2006, but you know what I mean. Rick and Jason were singing their hearts out at the karaoke bar and Ben sat at a table cheering them on. Bryce sat at the bar staring at the clock. He had been partying a little too hardy and was beginning to doze-off. Suddenly he felt something sit next to him and looked at the blob of colors next to him.

Voice: Heya. Some party you got going on here tonight.

Bryce: *half awake* Oh...yeah, my friends through me a birthday party.

Voice: Wow, that’s great. Say, you know, you look familiar to me.

Bryce: Oh...well, I’m in a couple bands...maybe...man, I don’t feel too hot.

Voice: Oh that’s to be expected.

Bryce: Wh...Why?

Voice: Because I drugged you.

Bryce: Wh...What?! *conk*

Bryce’s head fell on the bar, and everything went black. He started to stir. His head felt like an elephant had been doing a tap dance on his skull. Bryce slowly opened his eyes to discover himself in a poorly lit room. He was sitting in a chair with his hands tied behind his back and a rag in his mouth. Bryce started to panic. He couldn’t remember much of what had happened that night. He started to wonder what would happen to him when the door opened slowly to reveal a shadow of someone or something! The shadow moved closer to him.

Bryce: Mmmmhmmm mdmdmmm!!!! (Translated: Who the hell are you?! Why am I here?! Do you know the muffin man?)

Finally the creature moved into the light and Bryce face twisted in horror and astonishment as he gazed upon the figure that had dragged his limp body to this unknown place. The creature took the rag from Bryce’s mouth.

Bryce: *cough* I don’t believe who I’m looking at! It can’t be! It just can’t be!

Voice: But I am...Gonzo!!!

Bryce: Gonzo from the Muppets?!

Gonzo: The one and only.

Bryce: I must be dreaming...

Gonzo: Oh no, I’m very real.

Bryce: What do you want with me?

Gonzo: It’s not what I want, but what they want. *points behind him*

Behind Gonzo stood hundreds of his chickens who were starring at Bryce with aw.

Gonzo: My chickens are huge fans.

Bryce: That’s it. I’m never drinking again. I swear.

Just then, there was a knock outside and Gonzo went to see who it was. He returned with Miss Piggy, Kermit, and Fozy.

Miss Piggy: Well, now. Look who’s here. The last time I saw you, you left me in an airport crying my eyes out! *cries*

Bryce: What?!

Kermit: Piggy! You mean you cheated on me?!

Miss Piggy: Oh, Kermy...I couldn’t help it! I was a young naïve pig and he was a rugged lonely musician...we couldn’t help ourselves.

Bryce: I would never, Kermit! That pig is a liar!

Miss Piggy: How dare you! I gave you the best 3 hours of my life and this is how you treat me?! *she hits him in the chest* Hi-ya!

Bryce: Ouch!

Kermit: You can’t treat my pig like that!

Fozy: Now wait, Kermit. Violence is not the answer.

Miss Piggy: It’s not?

Fozy: No, no. After all, in this great country of ours, you are innocent until proven guilty.

Miss Piggy: But he’s Canadian!

Fozy: Oh, um...well...he’s got a green card.

Miss Piggy: Oh, brother...

Fozy: We will take it to our judges to decide his fate.

Bryce: Your judges? But, wait...I have no idea what any of you are talking about.

Gonzo: You will be tried for seducing a pig without a license.

Kermit: And not just any pig...MY PIG!

So, while the readers were starting to think that the writer was definitely on drugs, the Muppets took Bryce to another room to be tried. He was allowed to make one phone call and he decided to call Jason, although he had no idea how he was going to tell him that the Muppets had drugged him and he was being tried for seducing one of them. He picked up the phone and started to dial.

Jason: *on the phone* Hello?

Bryce: OMG, Jason! You have to help me!

Jason: Whoa, slow down, Bryce. We were wondering what happened to you.

Bryce: Ok, I need you to listen to what I’m about to say. It’s going to sound crazy and you’re not going to believe me, but it’s the truth, ok?

Jason: Um...ok...

Bryce: Good...So I’m being held against my will by the Jim Henson Muppets and Gonzo drugged me because I guess his chickens are big fans and Miss Piggy is claiming that she and I had a “thing” and that I left her in an airport and now Kermit is pissed at me for “stealing his bacon” and now the Muppets are putting me on trial for this.

Jason: *silence for a moment* Bryce....

Bryce: Yeah?

Jason: You’re never going to drink again.

Bryce: I won’t! Especially if there’s a Muppet sitting next to me...

Jason: Ok, where are you so I can pick you up?

Bryce: I just told you! I’m in serious trouble, and I don’t know where they’ve taken me!

Jason: The Muppets did not kidnap you! I think we would have noticed a small blue puppet carrying out a tall blonde Canadian.

Bryce: Well, why didn’t you?

Jason: Well, I’m gonna go. Please be back at the hotel later, ok?

Bryce: No, Jason, wait! They only allowed me one phone call!

Jason: Bye, Bryce.

Bryce: Wait! Jason stop—

But it was too late. Jason had hung up the phone and Bryce was left on the other end in utter amazement. Jason shook his head as he walked away from the bar.

Ben: Hey, who was it?

Jason: Oh, only Bryce. He’s claiming the Muppets are holding him hostage somewhere.

Ben: Aw, man, that’s the oldest excuse in the book.

Jason: I know, at least he could be a little creative.

Rick: Wait...did you just say the Muppets are holding Bryce hostage?!

Jason: Well, he “thinks” they are. Why?

Rick: Omg...That happened to guy on the news last week. Were there drugs and a pig involved?

Jason: Yes....

Rick: We have to find him quick before it’s too late! Those Muppets are tricky!

Ben: Wait, you’re not saying that you actually believe this? I mean, the Muppets aren’t real. They have people talking for them—

Rick: Hold your tongue! The Muppets are real! I won’t believe that vicious rumor! Come on, let’s go save Bryce!

And so the guys began their search for their missing friend. Meanwhile, back at Muppet hostage center, Swedish Chef was cooking Bryce a before trial dinner.

Swedish Chef: Isckirm icruburb dolerierd yum yume herb!

Vegetables: Oh man....just when you thought you’d seen the last of him...

Bryce: What am I going to do? No one believes me...and now I’m stuck in this room with vegetables that I can understand more than the chef...

Vegetables: Hey, at least when this story’s over you can leave. We’re stuck with him for the rest of our lives.

Bryce: True...

Just then, the door swung open and Fozy came in dressed in a policeman uniform.

Fozy: Let’s go.

Bryce rose to his feet and began the long slow march to the court room that was just in the next room but I like to make things sound dramatic! Bryce sat down in the defendant’s seat and saw the prosecutor who was Gonzo dressed in a very nice pin-striped suit with stylish silver buckles on his leather shoes.

Gonzo: Why, thank you.

Writer: You’re very welcome.

Anyways, next the jury was brought in. A dozen chickens strutted into the jury box to take their seats.

Bryce: Wait, that’s completely unfair! They’re your chickens! They’ll do whatever you say! That is completely unconstitutional!

Gonzo: I am offended...deeply. My chickens are honest girls and will do whatever’s in their hearts to do.

Fozy: All rise for the honorable Judge Sam the Eagle.

Judge Sam walked in and sat down.

Sam: I shall now call this trial to order. Animal, if you please.

Animal took his drums sticks to hit the gong.

Animal: ANIMAL! ANIMAL!

Sam: Animal! Animal! Focus, please.

Animal: Oh...sooorryy...

Sam: The prosecutor may call his first wit—

Jason: Wait!

Bryce: *turning around* You guys found me!

Ben: Yeah, it wasn’t easy. You should thank Rick especially.

Rick: Oh, it was nothing....OMG is that Animal! *runs over to him* Wow! I’m a huge fan! You’re like my idol ever since I was a kid.

Jason: Rick! Rick! Focus!

Rick: Oh...sooorryy...

Jason: I will be my friend’s lawyer.

Sam: Have you any experience in law?

Jason: No...Not really...

Sam: Alright, then, go for it.

Jason: Cool.

Bryce: *whispers* Do you know what you’re doing?

Jason: Not really.

Bryce: I’m screwed.

Gonzo: I would like to call my first witness...Miss Piggy.

The pig strutted up to the stand wearing a mink fur around her body. She stood and raised her right hoof.

Fozy: Do you swear to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth so help you God?

Miss Piggy: Of course, I do. *sits down*

Gonzo: Now, on the particular night that you met Mr. Soderberg, had you been leading him on?

Miss Piggy: Certainly not! I was sitting in the lounge weeping because Kermy and I had just had a terrible fight and I was very vulnerable. Mr. Soderberg was over at another table and our eyes met and there was no turning back.

Gonzo: Did you approach him?

Miss Piggy: I’m afraid I did, but only just to talk. I’m not the kind of pig that goes looking for trouble.

Gonzo: And what took place after that?

Miss Piggy: Well, I’m afraid I’m too much of a lady to say what took place, but let’s just say the pork was in heat...

Jason: Objection!

Gonzo: On what grounds?

Jason: On the grounds that I want to burn my eyes out right now.

Sam: Sustained...thank God.

Gonzo: Thank you, Miss Piggy.

Jason: *approaching the witness* Miss Piggy, you said that you and Kermit had had a fight that night?

Miss Piggy: *weeping* Uh huh...we...we were fighting because I saw him giving a waitress his cute little frog stare that he used to only give to me.

Jason: So, you were angry about the two-timing frog and you were looking for revenge, is that fair to say?

Miss Piggy: I was not looking for anything! It just happened.

Jason: You went to that lounge that night to use some poor sap...

Bryce: Hey!

Jason: Sorry...to use some poor guy just to get back at the frog. Am I right?

Miss Piggy: Well...I...I have a thing for musicians! Yes! I used him! And when he left the next morning I was angry and I vowed that I...that I...

Jason: That you would seek revenge on him as well! That’s your specialty, isn’t it? It wouldn’t have matter if Kermit had made eyes with a beautiful waitress or a paper napkin! You would have picked a fight with him about something!

Miss Piggy: Yes! Yes! I admit it! I use frogs, men, you name it! I’m a just a pig slut! AHHHHH!!!!

Sam: Order! Order! Take this pig away! Chickens of the Court, have you reached a verdict?

Chicken: Cluck, cluck.

Sam: Um...Gonzo? What did she say?

Gonzo: She said he is innocent.

Sam: Excellent. This man is a real example of what this country is all about; fairness and beauty of the American Spirit!

Gonzo: *whispers* Uh, Sam, he’s Canadian.

Sam: Oh...um...beauty of the Canadian Spirit!

The guys rose up and cheered. The Muppets felt bad for once again falling for Miss Piggy’s tricks and offered to through Bryce a birthday bash, Muppet style. The Muppet band began to play in the background has the party raged on.

Kermit: I’m sorry, Bryce...I guess I was a little green, and I don’t mean just because I’m a frog...

Bryce: I read you loud and clear Kermit.

Gonzo: Oh and sorry for the whole drugging your drink just to meet my chickens.

Bryce: Um...yeah...didn’t appreciate that.

And so, the guys of Lifehouse enjoyed a night of celebrating Bryce’s birthday with the Muppets.

Rick: *banging on the drums*ANIMAL! ANIMAL!

Animal: *banging on the drums* RICK! RICK!

Ok, maybe a little too much...